Have not been here in a while...that's for sure. Not sure why but I am guessing it has something to do with life...more life....and a bit more life caked on top of an already built up heap of stuff. "Stuff" is a good word here as its so random and undefined that it would take a book and a half to get it right. The stuff ranges from the mundane to the extraordinary - wonderful to the horrific - peaceful to reckless. Stuff...or life...catches up with us and it steers us and thus we are given limited control.
There are constants in my life, well, really only one - God. The other things that are cloaked as constants are relationships, marriage, money, things...things that change often. I guess I should really consider these "constants" (aside from God) as variables acting in my life that alter and re-route my life daily if not hourly. So...I guess one could say that its good to have varying alternatives out there - keeping you lively. Change is good on some levels but not all that comforting at times.
In the past years I have lived, speaking mainly of the past 14-15 years, I have seen many horrible and wonderful aspects to life. Everyday has been a change...and this "stuff" has forced me to reevaluate my stand on many things as well as how to react to these changes. Most items on the auction block are pretty cut and dry while many items also are open to extreme interpretation. My creative response ability has been put to the test as of late. Not easy to smile at times and not easy to wake up at other times....staring at a loaded gun of potential angst is not my idea of smooth running. So where do I look? How do I get through? Where is there an option that yields a perfect response, outcome etc...well, I have to look at the one constant that has never moved. Yup - God.
So what happens then when your answers from God seem to contradict what you have thought for years? When what you think is going to be the solution would actually cause more pain....or that you have traversed down a path for so long you have no idea what happened to imagination, creativity and freedom? Not meant to be answered in one night or in ten years - but maybe it is... We are creatures of habit and wont ever break that habit unless there is good reason. Pride sure does the trick as well in keeping us locked in negative patterns and pride thus defeats us in every way. Not to be confused with confidence, pride is one thing that most of us hate and its one thing we don't want to give up...go figure.
And now, here, as I sit and type, I am confronted with items in my life that seem and appear and thus smell like pride...how do i do this? Where do I go? How do I make things change? Will this survive? I'm not sure - I have no idea...as I cannot see the future. Finding time to center myself has not been easy. Confronting the issues at hand is no small task.
this may just ramble on - that's the idea I guess...just wanted to type...Winter is good for this type of stuff...too much time on my hands compounded with too much stuff to deal with that offer limited hope...and my Constant is there and that little bit of hope is more than enough to keep it going.
hope to see you all on the road soon.
Andy
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